IVF a sin?

In light of recent media coverage regarding the Catholic church and their stance on assisting with infertility via assisted fertilization, IUI, IVF, etc., and my own struggle with IF, I haven't been to church in about a month.  This coming from someone who goes to church every week, whose faith is very important, who didn't even realize that it would be an issue.  Of course there are several things that I don't necessarily agree with or believe and things that I have questioned with the Catholic faith, but nothing like this has really made me quite so angry. 

With IF you begin to question so many things like, asking God why you aren't able to conceive or what am I being punished for, did doing _____(fill in the blank) cause this or I promise I will do/be ______(fill in the blank) if we're able to have a healthy child or I truly believe that God just feels that we are meant to adopt.  You can argue both sides...well if it isn't happening naturally then maybe that is not what God intended or he has other plans for us or it is his way of controlling the population, etc., ...AND God wouldn't have invented the sciences to assist with infertility if he didn't want us to try/do it.  It can all be sooo frustrating.  Mostly I'm just up and down sad & angry.  What a roller coaster of emotions.  With IF I truly believe that you go through all of the stages of grief.  Currently I am in the acceptance phase, with a little depression still creeping in.  But it doesn't help when you begin to question your faith because you are angry that they feel that assistance with conception is a sin or evil.  So what do you do?  I keep thinking of this line of the movie "Shakespeare in Love" when Viola says "Good morning my lord, I see you are open for business--so let's to church."  It certainly didn't matter back then if you agreed with the church or not, you followed the belief and just did what you were supposed to do.

I suppose it would help if I explained why it is bothering me more now than it has previously...our plan that we discussed with the doctor was TTC with clomid for 3 months and then in the fourth month if we still weren't successful we would try IUI.  From there we agreed we would try 1 round of IVF, after we learned more about it of course, and then if we still weren't successful we would adopt.  Much to my Well, much to my chagrin, that has recently changed.  When I called to schedule my day three testing and to confirm what we needed to do for the IUI process I was told that the doctor wanted to see us instead.  We had our appointment with the doctor about a week or so ago and he was very direct, which we appreciated, but it was still hard to hear.  He basically said that the time is now and to stop screwing around...IUI only has a 6% success rate.  He said that since it has been over 10 years that it makes more sense to try IVF.  I reminded him that we hadn't actually been trying for 10 years we just weren't using any BC.  He said that within that time, he was sure that something slipped through and we should stop messing around and move forward since I'm 35 and while my egg reserve is still as good as it is.  Wow-what a punch to the gut.  My husband immediately said, okay, you would know best since your the doctor, what do we do next?  And the doctor led us to speak to someone to schedule to go to an orientation to learn more about IVF.  I can't believe that I'm going to say this because this process feels like forever, but I felt like it went so fast.  First we think we're trying IUI which is less invasive, less drugs, etc. and then all of a sudden IVF is the last chance option. 

I just felt like, geez this really is it, our last chance for a biological child. 

I was already feeling old & like it was too late already but the doctor just pretty much sealed the deal.  I started thinking about all of the things we should have done or why didn't we get married sooner-and then I realized, wait, it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway but at least we could have been farther in this process or maybe even have a family already. 

It just repeated through my mind...it didn't matter if we would have tried 10 years ago to start a family or not because it wouldn't have mattered anyway...

So IVF vs. faith/church?  Something that apparently is so against my catholic faith but that might work for us.  That's right-might.

I hate not knowing why it isn't working & that it's 'unexplained'. 

I hate feeling like it is too late. 

I hate being unsure of what to do. 

I hate that I'm so mad at the world all the time. 

I hate that I feel like I'm letting my husband down. 

I hate regrets.
 
So we are scheduled to go to an IVF orientation to learn more tomorrow.  I don't think that my husband really started to think things through though until this week.  Although I've been wondering for multiple reasons whether or not it is the right thing for us or not, (like can we afford it, is it safe, does it lead to cancer) I just thought that it was what he wanted to do. 

So we talked about it and it turns out, he's been waivering too on whether or not it is time to call it quits, think about adoption, etc.  He actually told me that he's afraid that he will be too disappointed if IVF doesn't work.  Of course he is concerned about the health risks for me as well, but mostly the disappointment.  For me, it's disappointment every month anyway when our trying doesn't work, so not much of a difference.   But as I'm writing this I actually realized why he will be so dissappointed if it doesn't work-because that's it, it is the last shot for a biological child.  Huh, how did I miss that in that conversation? 

Today I thought about going back to church to help me decide what to do, what's right for us.  But I didn't end up going.  We decided that we will go and learn more at the IVF orientation and maybe take a trip and spend some time alone and decide what will be best for us.  Maybe by then I'll have ended my boycott with the church.