To be or not to be...Silent

So this week is National Infertility Awareness Week and it has been posted all over the web and facebook, etc.  I have slowly been talking about infertility more and more and not being so silent about it but I didn't realize until this week just how important it actually is to talk about it.  The stress of infertility can take it's toll, that is for sure.  It wasn't until a blog was shared with me this week, written by eggsausted: http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Feggsausted.blogspot.com%2F&h=2AQGXfh4B, who had the courage to finally break the silence that I thought that maybe I could do the same.  

I actually only 'liked' an article that I read on FB and then received several 'likes' from other friends which surprised me because in that moment, I had completely forgotten that if you 'like' something others can see your activity.  Then I simply did the same thing eggsausted did and shared something on my wall.  A few 'likes' so far, wish there were more, but I honestly feel like a small weight has been lifted.  Why do I have to feel like I can't talk about this?  Sure it can be sad, difficult, awkward and uncomfortable at times, but I learned that by talking about it and especially sharing with others suffering from the same disease that I feel better and know that I am not alone in this fight.  So many other's stories are so inspiring that I feel compelled to do the same and that maybe I could be helping someone else in the process all while helping and healing myself too!  A sort of epiphany I suppose.  I guess I just finally realized how important it is to educate and support and have the support of others going through the same journey and from those loved ones and friends that want to be there for you during your journey. 

It is imporant because you won't feel so alone, you won't feel so much pressure, you won't feel SO STRESSED!  And most importantly: POSITIVITY!  Positive words and thoughts are SO needed on this often sad journey, which can be too difficult to remember to do on your own or even as a team with your spouse.  Family and friends might not necessarily always understand, but they will often boost your spirits, keep you in their thoughts and prayers and rally behind you.  Those that are on their own TTC journey can relate and be there to cheer you on, keep you positive for you and your spouse, offer ways for coping and will ALWAYS be in your corner.

I do have one regret...I HAVE to stay more positive and maybe by opening up sooner I could have prevented myself from getting sucked in to the negative side of this journey and feeling like I needed to do it alone.  Now I'm probably not going to be shouting it from the rooftops any time soon, but I'm not going to hide from it anymore either.  And I am going to continue trying to keep up the positivity-for me, my husband, and for others on the journey.  Take it from me...don't let it suck you in.

A lesson in being positive:

While visiting a friend yesterday, we were discussing where my husband and I are currently at in the process, when her three year old looked at me and asked-"is there a baby in your belly?"  At first I didn't know what to think or say and couldn't believe my ears.  So I told him, "no buddy, there's not".  And he walked away with his shoulders hunched over and his chin down.  Neither one of us could believe it and thought-there is no way he could have understood what we were talking about. What a perceptive child-trully.  It's one of those your heart sinks for a minute type of moments.  I only wish I would have seized the positive in that moment and said, "not yet buddy, but keep your fingers & toes crossed for us that there will be soon".

Leason learned.

A few positive words to leave you with:

A friend recently texted me that while she was at the doctor, they discussed where she was at on her journey and do you know what the doctor told her?  That positive and wise doctor told her to keep trying and never give up.

 When the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”- Author Unknown

Spoonful of Sugar!

Reading Lia's comments this morning (at 3:30 am no less-no idea why I was up at that hour) and as I layed back down to go to sleep, all that ran through my head was "what a great way to add some positivity back into things" and then Mary Poppins popped into my head singing "just a spoon full of sugar to help the medicine go down, the medicine go down..." It made me feel so much better-better than I have in quite some time and reminding myself that it is so important to stay positive & think of all of the things I do have to be greatful & thankful for.  It is so easy to get caught up in all the tests & disappointment that you sometimes can let yourself get sucked in to the negative...& more often than you may realize.  So thank you Lia, for that spoon full of sugar!

Words are powerful and can have a lasting affect, so don't be afraid to reach out & offer support & your own version of spoon fulls of sugar.

Clomid Crazy?

It's been a while obviously, since my last post and as I watch G & B reveal more about their story I thought perhaps I should do the same.  It also didn't help that I just flipped out on my husband for going to the store to get ice cream and forgetting to get ice cream for me (which he asked before I left if I wanted anything).  So was it the clomid talking?  I literally just unleashed and told him how sick I was of how selfish he is and that I am the only one contributing to this relationship and pretty much the only one going through this process-which I reminded him is also for him.  So again, when I was done with my rant-which I remind you started because he forgot to get me ice cream-I wondered, okay did I really just flip out over ice cream?  Is this a clomid side effect? 

It's our third cycle of clomid and TI-obviously I didn't post anything about last month for obvious reasons-not much in the way of good news to tell. And so because it is the third cycle, I find myself asking-at what point is enough, enough?  There have been a few other things that have happened over the last month and a 1/2 that have me asking this question and several others.  Questions like-am I beyond the point of wanting a child, a family?  Is it too late?  Has my time passed?  Am I happy with the way things are as is? Can my husband even handle a child?  Is he able to separate himself from work?  We both have such strong work ethic, can we change our current routine and make the necessary changes for a better work life balance?  I've made several changes already, but will he?  Why am I the only one making these changes?  And the list goes on....so is this a normal side effect of clomid?  Or is it a side effect of infertility in general? Or is this miserable person, who flips at the drop of a hat, the person that I am becoming? 

Can anyone relate?  Willing to share your thoughts?