So my husband & I attended the IVF orientation and it was extremely informative and helpful. We were given a huge packet of information and there were 4 different speakers, including the doctor. It definitely helped us to understand since they walked everyone through the process and answered questions-and by everyone I do mean the auditorium had multiple couples and individuals attending to learn what comes next regarding IVF. As I looked around the room, I was amazed to see so many young couples. It seemed, all, no matter who, was so afraid to make eye contact. And I understood and will continue to understand.
So we learned about the process, the drugs and injections, the cost, the amount of time. THE COST
I knew that it was going to be expensive, but seeing it on paper really puts things into perspective. And is scary to think about all of the investment if it doesn't work.
THE INJECTIONS. Not too many side effects covered in the discussion so I will need to do some more research. One in particular stands out because it is derived from the urine of pregnant women-REALLY? I'm going to be putting that into my body-how can that be good? ~KEEP THE END RESULT IN SIGHT~
THE TIME. Visits for testing, testing, oh and more testing, every day, every other day. Sure for someone who doesn't work maybe or whose employer is really understanding. (Which I have this question that is gnawing at me, mostly due to my profession, but since Infertility is not yet recognized as a disease in the health care world, is it recognized as a serious health care condition under the FMLA? Could these appointments be covered and therefore job protection would possibly exist? Another blog topic I suppose)
We both left there feeling positive, talking about what we thought the next step should be and when on our 1 1/2 drive home.
And the next day I remembered something and reminded my husband. Contrary to what I may have written previously, we do still have one more option worth mentioning for the chance to have a biological family. How could I have forgotten this special gift for even 1 second? My wonderful, loving sister-in-law recently offered to be a gestational carrier if we ever get to that point. I can not even describe the overwhelming feelings that came over me when she offered such a selfless thing. Now we both know we don't know if it is possible due to finances, her job, etc., but just the simple fact that she and her husband even discussed it and considered it, let alone offered it, is the most amazing thing anyone could do. We can't thank her enough. So I reminded hubby of that & he said "I know, I realized it yesterday", with a slight smile on his face. HOPE
To those couples and individuals in that room on Monday-we may all be in different phases of our journey and have different stories to tell, but in the end, we are all hoping for the same end result. Keep the faith, the hope, whatever it is that keeps you going. It can happen in one way or another.
"Life is not a matter of having good cards, but of playing a poor hand well."
- Robert Louis Stevenson
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Sunday, June 3, 2012
IVF a sin?
In light of recent media coverage regarding the Catholic church and their stance on assisting with infertility via assisted fertilization, IUI, IVF, etc., and my own struggle with IF, I haven't been to church in about a month. This coming from someone who goes to church every week, whose faith is very important, who didn't even realize that it would be an issue. Of course there are several things that I don't necessarily agree with or believe and things that I have questioned with the Catholic faith, but nothing like this has really made me quite so angry.
With IF you begin to question so many things like, asking God why you aren't able to conceive or what am I being punished for, did doing _____(fill in the blank) cause this or I promise I will do/be ______(fill in the blank) if we're able to have a healthy child or I truly believe that God just feels that we are meant to adopt. You can argue both sides...well if it isn't happening naturally then maybe that is not what God intended or he has other plans for us or it is his way of controlling the population, etc., ...AND God wouldn't have invented the sciences to assist with infertility if he didn't want us to try/do it. It can all be sooo frustrating. Mostly I'm just up and down sad & angry. What a roller coaster of emotions. With IF I truly believe that you go through all of the stages of grief. Currently I am in the acceptance phase, with a little depression still creeping in. But it doesn't help when you begin to question your faith because you are angry that they feel that assistance with conception is a sin or evil. So what do you do? I keep thinking of this line of the movie "Shakespeare in Love" when Viola says "Good morning my lord, I see you are open for business--so let's to church." It certainly didn't matter back then if you agreed with the church or not, you followed the belief and just did what you were supposed to do.
I suppose it would help if I explained why it is bothering me more now than it has previously...our plan that we discussed with the doctor was TTC with clomid for 3 months and then in the fourth month if we still weren't successful we would try IUI. From there we agreed we would try 1 round of IVF, after we learned more about it of course, and then if we still weren't successful we would adopt. Much to my Well, much to my chagrin, that has recently changed. When I called to schedule my day three testing and to confirm what we needed to do for the IUI process I was told that the doctor wanted to see us instead. We had our appointment with the doctor about a week or so ago and he was very direct, which we appreciated, but it was still hard to hear. He basically said that the time is now and to stop screwing around...IUI only has a 6% success rate. He said that since it has been over 10 years that it makes more sense to try IVF. I reminded him that we hadn't actually been trying for 10 years we just weren't using any BC. He said that within that time, he was sure that something slipped through and we should stop messing around and move forward since I'm 35 and while my egg reserve is still as good as it is. Wow-what a punch to the gut. My husband immediately said, okay, you would know best since your the doctor, what do we do next? And the doctor led us to speak to someone to schedule to go to an orientation to learn more about IVF. I can't believe that I'm going to say this because this process feels like forever, but I felt like it went so fast. First we think we're trying IUI which is less invasive, less drugs, etc. and then all of a sudden IVF is the last chance option.
I just felt like, geez this really is it, our last chance for a biological child.
I was already feeling old & like it was too late already but the doctor just pretty much sealed the deal. I started thinking about all of the things we should have done or why didn't we get married sooner-and then I realized, wait, it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway but at least we could have been farther in this process or maybe even have a family already.
It just repeated through my mind...it didn't matter if we would have tried 10 years ago to start a family or not because it wouldn't have mattered anyway...
So IVF vs. faith/church? Something that apparently is so against my catholic faith but that might work for us. That's right-might.
I hate not knowing why it isn't working & that it's 'unexplained'.
I hate feeling like it is too late.
I hate being unsure of what to do.
I hate that I'm so mad at the world all the time.
I hate that I feel like I'm letting my husband down.
I hate regrets.
So we are scheduled to go to an IVF orientation to learn more tomorrow. I don't think that my husband really started to think things through though until this week. Although I've been wondering for multiple reasons whether or not it is the right thing for us or not, (like can we afford it, is it safe, does it lead to cancer) I just thought that it was what he wanted to do.
So we talked about it and it turns out, he's been waivering too on whether or not it is time to call it quits, think about adoption, etc. He actually told me that he's afraid that he will be too disappointed if IVF doesn't work. Of course he is concerned about the health risks for me as well, but mostly the disappointment. For me, it's disappointment every month anyway when our trying doesn't work, so not much of a difference. But as I'm writing this I actually realized why he will be so dissappointed if it doesn't work-because that's it, it is the last shot for a biological child. Huh, how did I miss that in that conversation?
Today I thought about going back to church to help me decide what to do, what's right for us. But I didn't end up going. We decided that we will go and learn more at the IVF orientation and maybe take a trip and spend some time alone and decide what will be best for us. Maybe by then I'll have ended my boycott with the church.
With IF you begin to question so many things like, asking God why you aren't able to conceive or what am I being punished for, did doing _____(fill in the blank) cause this or I promise I will do/be ______(fill in the blank) if we're able to have a healthy child or I truly believe that God just feels that we are meant to adopt. You can argue both sides...well if it isn't happening naturally then maybe that is not what God intended or he has other plans for us or it is his way of controlling the population, etc., ...AND God wouldn't have invented the sciences to assist with infertility if he didn't want us to try/do it. It can all be sooo frustrating. Mostly I'm just up and down sad & angry. What a roller coaster of emotions. With IF I truly believe that you go through all of the stages of grief. Currently I am in the acceptance phase, with a little depression still creeping in. But it doesn't help when you begin to question your faith because you are angry that they feel that assistance with conception is a sin or evil. So what do you do? I keep thinking of this line of the movie "Shakespeare in Love" when Viola says "Good morning my lord, I see you are open for business--so let's to church." It certainly didn't matter back then if you agreed with the church or not, you followed the belief and just did what you were supposed to do.
I suppose it would help if I explained why it is bothering me more now than it has previously...our plan that we discussed with the doctor was TTC with clomid for 3 months and then in the fourth month if we still weren't successful we would try IUI. From there we agreed we would try 1 round of IVF, after we learned more about it of course, and then if we still weren't successful we would adopt. Much to my Well, much to my chagrin, that has recently changed. When I called to schedule my day three testing and to confirm what we needed to do for the IUI process I was told that the doctor wanted to see us instead. We had our appointment with the doctor about a week or so ago and he was very direct, which we appreciated, but it was still hard to hear. He basically said that the time is now and to stop screwing around...IUI only has a 6% success rate. He said that since it has been over 10 years that it makes more sense to try IVF. I reminded him that we hadn't actually been trying for 10 years we just weren't using any BC. He said that within that time, he was sure that something slipped through and we should stop messing around and move forward since I'm 35 and while my egg reserve is still as good as it is. Wow-what a punch to the gut. My husband immediately said, okay, you would know best since your the doctor, what do we do next? And the doctor led us to speak to someone to schedule to go to an orientation to learn more about IVF. I can't believe that I'm going to say this because this process feels like forever, but I felt like it went so fast. First we think we're trying IUI which is less invasive, less drugs, etc. and then all of a sudden IVF is the last chance option.
I just felt like, geez this really is it, our last chance for a biological child.
I was already feeling old & like it was too late already but the doctor just pretty much sealed the deal. I started thinking about all of the things we should have done or why didn't we get married sooner-and then I realized, wait, it probably wouldn't have mattered anyway but at least we could have been farther in this process or maybe even have a family already.
It just repeated through my mind...it didn't matter if we would have tried 10 years ago to start a family or not because it wouldn't have mattered anyway...
So IVF vs. faith/church? Something that apparently is so against my catholic faith but that might work for us. That's right-might.
I hate not knowing why it isn't working & that it's 'unexplained'.
I hate feeling like it is too late.
I hate being unsure of what to do.
I hate that I'm so mad at the world all the time.
I hate that I feel like I'm letting my husband down.
I hate regrets.
So we are scheduled to go to an IVF orientation to learn more tomorrow. I don't think that my husband really started to think things through though until this week. Although I've been wondering for multiple reasons whether or not it is the right thing for us or not, (like can we afford it, is it safe, does it lead to cancer) I just thought that it was what he wanted to do.
So we talked about it and it turns out, he's been waivering too on whether or not it is time to call it quits, think about adoption, etc. He actually told me that he's afraid that he will be too disappointed if IVF doesn't work. Of course he is concerned about the health risks for me as well, but mostly the disappointment. For me, it's disappointment every month anyway when our trying doesn't work, so not much of a difference. But as I'm writing this I actually realized why he will be so dissappointed if it doesn't work-because that's it, it is the last shot for a biological child. Huh, how did I miss that in that conversation?
Today I thought about going back to church to help me decide what to do, what's right for us. But I didn't end up going. We decided that we will go and learn more at the IVF orientation and maybe take a trip and spend some time alone and decide what will be best for us. Maybe by then I'll have ended my boycott with the church.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
To be or not to be...Silent
So this week is National Infertility Awareness Week and it has been posted all over the web and facebook, etc. I have slowly been talking about infertility more and more and not being so silent about it but I didn't realize until this week just how important it actually is to talk about it. The stress of infertility can take it's toll, that is for sure. It wasn't until a blog was shared with me this week, written by eggsausted: http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Feggsausted.blogspot.com%2F&h=2AQGXfh4B, who had the courage to finally break the silence that I thought that maybe I could do the same.
I actually only 'liked' an article that I read on FB and then received several 'likes' from other friends which surprised me because in that moment, I had completely forgotten that if you 'like' something others can see your activity. Then I simply did the same thing eggsausted did and shared something on my wall. A few 'likes' so far, wish there were more, but I honestly feel like a small weight has been lifted. Why do I have to feel like I can't talk about this? Sure it can be sad, difficult, awkward and uncomfortable at times, but I learned that by talking about it and especially sharing with others suffering from the same disease that I feel better and know that I am not alone in this fight. So many other's stories are so inspiring that I feel compelled to do the same and that maybe I could be helping someone else in the process all while helping and healing myself too! A sort of epiphany I suppose. I guess I just finally realized how important it is to educate and support and have the support of others going through the same journey and from those loved ones and friends that want to be there for you during your journey.
It is imporant because you won't feel so alone, you won't feel so much pressure, you won't feel SO STRESSED! And most importantly: POSITIVITY! Positive words and thoughts are SO needed on this often sad journey, which can be too difficult to remember to do on your own or even as a team with your spouse. Family and friends might not necessarily always understand, but they will often boost your spirits, keep you in their thoughts and prayers and rally behind you. Those that are on their own TTC journey can relate and be there to cheer you on, keep you positive for you and your spouse, offer ways for coping and will ALWAYS be in your corner.
I do have one regret...I HAVE to stay more positive and maybe by opening up sooner I could have prevented myself from getting sucked in to the negative side of this journey and feeling like I needed to do it alone. Now I'm probably not going to be shouting it from the rooftops any time soon, but I'm not going to hide from it anymore either. And I am going to continue trying to keep up the positivity-for me, my husband, and for others on the journey. Take it from me...don't let it suck you in.
A lesson in being positive:
While visiting a friend yesterday, we were discussing where my husband and I are currently at in the process, when her three year old looked at me and asked-"is there a baby in your belly?" At first I didn't know what to think or say and couldn't believe my ears. So I told him, "no buddy, there's not". And he walked away with his shoulders hunched over and his chin down. Neither one of us could believe it and thought-there is no way he could have understood what we were talking about. What a perceptive child-trully. It's one of those your heart sinks for a minute type of moments. I only wish I would have seized the positive in that moment and said, "not yet buddy, but keep your fingers & toes crossed for us that there will be soon".
Leason learned.
A few positive words to leave you with:
A friend recently texted me that while she was at the doctor, they discussed where she was at on her journey and do you know what the doctor told her? That positive and wise doctor told her to keep trying and never give up.
When the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”- Author Unknown
I actually only 'liked' an article that I read on FB and then received several 'likes' from other friends which surprised me because in that moment, I had completely forgotten that if you 'like' something others can see your activity. Then I simply did the same thing eggsausted did and shared something on my wall. A few 'likes' so far, wish there were more, but I honestly feel like a small weight has been lifted. Why do I have to feel like I can't talk about this? Sure it can be sad, difficult, awkward and uncomfortable at times, but I learned that by talking about it and especially sharing with others suffering from the same disease that I feel better and know that I am not alone in this fight. So many other's stories are so inspiring that I feel compelled to do the same and that maybe I could be helping someone else in the process all while helping and healing myself too! A sort of epiphany I suppose. I guess I just finally realized how important it is to educate and support and have the support of others going through the same journey and from those loved ones and friends that want to be there for you during your journey.
It is imporant because you won't feel so alone, you won't feel so much pressure, you won't feel SO STRESSED! And most importantly: POSITIVITY! Positive words and thoughts are SO needed on this often sad journey, which can be too difficult to remember to do on your own or even as a team with your spouse. Family and friends might not necessarily always understand, but they will often boost your spirits, keep you in their thoughts and prayers and rally behind you. Those that are on their own TTC journey can relate and be there to cheer you on, keep you positive for you and your spouse, offer ways for coping and will ALWAYS be in your corner.
I do have one regret...I HAVE to stay more positive and maybe by opening up sooner I could have prevented myself from getting sucked in to the negative side of this journey and feeling like I needed to do it alone. Now I'm probably not going to be shouting it from the rooftops any time soon, but I'm not going to hide from it anymore either. And I am going to continue trying to keep up the positivity-for me, my husband, and for others on the journey. Take it from me...don't let it suck you in.
A lesson in being positive:
While visiting a friend yesterday, we were discussing where my husband and I are currently at in the process, when her three year old looked at me and asked-"is there a baby in your belly?" At first I didn't know what to think or say and couldn't believe my ears. So I told him, "no buddy, there's not". And he walked away with his shoulders hunched over and his chin down. Neither one of us could believe it and thought-there is no way he could have understood what we were talking about. What a perceptive child-trully. It's one of those your heart sinks for a minute type of moments. I only wish I would have seized the positive in that moment and said, "not yet buddy, but keep your fingers & toes crossed for us that there will be soon".
Leason learned.
A few positive words to leave you with:
A friend recently texted me that while she was at the doctor, they discussed where she was at on her journey and do you know what the doctor told her? That positive and wise doctor told her to keep trying and never give up.
When the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”- Author Unknown
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Spoonful of Sugar!
Reading Lia's comments this morning (at 3:30 am no less-no idea why I was up at that hour) and as I layed back down to go to sleep, all that ran through my head was "what a great way to add some positivity back into things" and then Mary Poppins popped into my head singing "just a spoon full of sugar to help the medicine go down, the medicine go down..." It made me feel so much better-better than I have in quite some time and reminding myself that it is so important to stay positive & think of all of the things I do have to be greatful & thankful for. It is so easy to get caught up in all the tests & disappointment that you sometimes can let yourself get sucked in to the negative...& more often than you may realize. So thank you Lia, for that spoon full of sugar!
Words are powerful and can have a lasting affect, so don't be afraid to reach out & offer support & your own version of spoon fulls of sugar.
Words are powerful and can have a lasting affect, so don't be afraid to reach out & offer support & your own version of spoon fulls of sugar.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Clomid Crazy?
It's been a while obviously, since my last post and as I watch G & B reveal more about their story I thought perhaps I should do the same. It also didn't help that I just flipped out on my husband for going to the store to get ice cream and forgetting to get ice cream for me (which he asked before I left if I wanted anything). So was it the clomid talking? I literally just unleashed and told him how sick I was of how selfish he is and that I am the only one contributing to this relationship and pretty much the only one going through this process-which I reminded him is also for him. So again, when I was done with my rant-which I remind you started because he forgot to get me ice cream-I wondered, okay did I really just flip out over ice cream? Is this a clomid side effect?
It's our third cycle of clomid and TI-obviously I didn't post anything about last month for obvious reasons-not much in the way of good news to tell. And so because it is the third cycle, I find myself asking-at what point is enough, enough? There have been a few other things that have happened over the last month and a 1/2 that have me asking this question and several others. Questions like-am I beyond the point of wanting a child, a family? Is it too late? Has my time passed? Am I happy with the way things are as is? Can my husband even handle a child? Is he able to separate himself from work? We both have such strong work ethic, can we change our current routine and make the necessary changes for a better work life balance? I've made several changes already, but will he? Why am I the only one making these changes? And the list goes on....so is this a normal side effect of clomid? Or is it a side effect of infertility in general? Or is this miserable person, who flips at the drop of a hat, the person that I am becoming?
Can anyone relate? Willing to share your thoughts?
It's our third cycle of clomid and TI-obviously I didn't post anything about last month for obvious reasons-not much in the way of good news to tell. And so because it is the third cycle, I find myself asking-at what point is enough, enough? There have been a few other things that have happened over the last month and a 1/2 that have me asking this question and several others. Questions like-am I beyond the point of wanting a child, a family? Is it too late? Has my time passed? Am I happy with the way things are as is? Can my husband even handle a child? Is he able to separate himself from work? We both have such strong work ethic, can we change our current routine and make the necessary changes for a better work life balance? I've made several changes already, but will he? Why am I the only one making these changes? And the list goes on....so is this a normal side effect of clomid? Or is it a side effect of infertility in general? Or is this miserable person, who flips at the drop of a hat, the person that I am becoming?
Can anyone relate? Willing to share your thoughts?
Friday, February 17, 2012
Day 29-The wait is over
Only tears...
of disappointment.
Can I really start this process all over again & go through it again this coming month? I'm sure you must be thinking -but it was only 1 month trying with clomid-which is true, but all of the testing & monitoring & anticipation leading up to yet another month of disappointment, I'm just not sure I'm ready to start again so soon. Ugh! Positive thoughts you say? Right, but today I think I might just go with being grouchy & disappointed & maybe we'll skipa month before we try again.
But time is precious....
of disappointment.
Can I really start this process all over again & go through it again this coming month? I'm sure you must be thinking -but it was only 1 month trying with clomid-which is true, but all of the testing & monitoring & anticipation leading up to yet another month of disappointment, I'm just not sure I'm ready to start again so soon. Ugh! Positive thoughts you say? Right, but today I think I might just go with being grouchy & disappointed & maybe we'll skipa month before we try again.
But time is precious....
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Day 28 Tic Tock
No other word. Torture. The waiting is unbearable. Tic Tock, Tic Tock. The many thoughts that go through your mind...
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